the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize