so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
