I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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