It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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