literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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