Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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