the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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