Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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