cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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