Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
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