I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
