The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
