So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize