Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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