I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
