You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
