sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize