I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
