it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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