4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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