I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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