just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
