I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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