...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
