I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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