I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
