Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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