i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
