U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize