I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
