Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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