explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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