remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
