I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
