i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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