Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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