Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
