you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
