My room smells like vodka and shame
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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