So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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