Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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