Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
