You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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