fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
