Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
