Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
