I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
