i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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