Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
