I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I wish there were birth control emojis
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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