If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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