Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I believe in your delicious
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.â€
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