You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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