well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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