I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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