oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
