I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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