I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
After tacos, we're chasing women.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
