Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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