she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
